“Her legs…they just aren’t made for ballet, you know?” The instructor told my mom. I tried to pretend I didn’t hear. But the words stuck with me. What was wrong with my legs? Sure, I was clumsy and was not great at ballet anyway, but what about my legs made me bad at it? I did not understand the depth of the statement, but all I knew was that it made me feel bad about my body. I was 6.
Although ballet wasn’t for me, I loved moving my body. After trial and error with many sports, I found my love for swimming. I loved to race, I loved to compete, and I loved to win. Even from a young age, I was strong and muscular. Yet, the comments about my body persisted. “If your legs weren’t so big, you’d be prettier.” What did being pretty have anything to do with swimming fast? I shrugged it off, but I felt like my body was the problem for some reason. I was 8.
I was an early bloomer and hit puberty earlier than the other girls in school. My hips and my legs filled out, and I felt awkwardly large. I didn’t move through the water the same way and as a result, my progress slowed. And to my dismay, my legs got bigger. The comments about my body persisted. “The pretty girls are all thin, once you quit swimming you’ll be pretty like them.” I was 12.
I remember looking into the mirror, pulling at my legs, tears in my eyes. I would force my legs into the smallest size I could manage without suffocating. The comments about my body were masked now, in magazines, TV shows, and music videos. “If you were a size 0, you’d be pretty,” they told me. I remember looking into the same mirror after school, staring at the imprints my jeans tattooed into my skin. I hated my legs. I hated pictures. I hated that every single time I showed up to practice in a suit that people had to see my legs. I frankly did not even care that I was among the top performers in my sport. I hated my body. I was 14.
“A hungry swimmer is a fast swimmer,” my coach told me as she snatched my snacks away from me at a meet. I was burning thousands of calories a day. It was physically impossible for me to eat the calories needed to keep weight on. Yet, the comments persisted. My coach routinely talked behind my back about how my body fit in my suit; my teammates bullied me for the way I carried myself and the way my body looked in my suit. I was 23.
No matter what age I am or what shape I’m in, the comments will persist. However, the relationship I have with my body has changed. Through all the negativity, my legs did and still do amazing things. My legs–they walk, they run, they jump, they kick. My legs have carried me to victory in every race. My legs have taken me up mountains, through oceans, and around the world. My legs matter so much more than the way they fit in jeans or the way they fill out a dress. I have hard days still, where I feel like I am not enough. But my body is more than enough, and I am enough.
My name is Henry Zhu. I have a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Hofstra University. I am first and foremost a father and a husband. Next, I am a therapist, a gamer, and a producer of music. I’m writing this in hopes that you may relate somewhat and to slowly break down the mental health stigma that is pervasive in the Asian, Pacific Islander, & Desi American (APIDA) communities. In honoring Mental Awareness Month and Asian Heritage Month, I write this in hope to humanize and to normalize all of our mental health journeys towards wellness.
My journey starts with being born and raised in a Chinese American family. My parents were immigrants to the United States and had to work 2-3 jobs at a time to provide for the family. Academic success, grades, and certificates of accomplishment were prioritized above any sense of validation, affection, or emotional intelligence. They valued the only path towards success they knew in their world. As a result, I grew up feeling as though I always fell short of their expectations despite doing very well academically. Even though they felt so very disconnected from me, I recognize now that they did their best to raise me. Now I have the privilege of breaking the cycle, and to provide a different kind of life for my child.
My mental health concerns didn’t come to the forefront until high school. I was ignorant of the effects of being from two very different worlds – my Chinese world and my American world. I felt trapped between the two, and I didn’t feel free to find my identity in either one. There was a lot of pressure to conform but very little guidance or mentorship. I realized in senior year of high school that I was deeply depressed and anxious. I was unhappy and felt lost in the world. I was anxious because I didn’t fit in with the Eastern world or the Western world. I saw an Asian school psychologist and an Asian psychiatrist who were both very unhelpful. I left both services feeling as though I were broken and that the solution to “fixing” myself had slipped my grasp despite professional help that I wrongly assumed would understand me. Long story short, I then took my mental health into my own hands by seeking more helpful sources of healing and coping. For me, it took years of introspection, years of self-help, and the courage to give myself compassion during the long and arduous journey. I’m in a much better headspace now and I know there’s still a long way to go.
If you’re still with me, thank you so much for reading this far. I ventured into the mental health field to prevent others from feeling the same way that I did – invisible. That’s a story for another time. I want to disillusion you – the work in the mental health field is difficult and the pay is not glamorous, but I personally wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m privileged to know I’ve been able to provide for those in need in a different way than the care I’ve received in the past. Mental wellness, to me, is a life-long battle – we can fight against the tides or we can ride the waves to calmer water. It’s not our fault we are put in the situations we grow up in. However, we can slowly take responsibility for our physical and mental wellness. Let’s surf the waves together to provide others with the tools to surf alongside.
To end – I’m genuinely inspired by the younger generations of today – for having the courage to understand their own mental and physical wellness needs. But it doesn’t stop there, I am floored by the number of people willing to be vulnerable online and to share their stories along with others who have taken the time to validate and to support each other. I am proud of the community that’s been built. If you’re just starting off on your mental health journey the community welcomes you. This is how we heal and break the cycles of stigma. We’re in this together.
I was in denial for the longest time about my mental health. I suppose this is part of my overall personality of second-guessing myself, fearing I may be a hypochondriac and that I was unable to think about things objectively.
Every time someone asks me “Did you have a specific event or did something happen in your life that triggered your onset of symptoms?” It hurts a little because I felt like it was wrong of me to not really tie the change to anything in particular. There was no death, no specific traumatic event, no sudden change in circumstances. Life was pretty normal, I thought.
There were signs though. I would say the first signs for me were loss. Was it a part of growing up? Learning more everyday and being uncomfortable with the changes? I don’t know. I was 13 and had a philosophical interest in death. I didn’t think much of it. I wasn’t sad. I didn’t want to die. I was just interested in how peaceful death would be. The real markers for me were loss. I wasn’t as interested in religion as I was. I was a voracious reader as a child. Suddenly, I couldn’t focus anymore and wouldn’t make it past the first sentence of a book, re-reading it over and over and over. There was no information retention. This is still something really distressing to me. Suddenly I couldn’t understand the world and suddenly I couldn’t understand myself. I was a smart, motivated and extremely hard-working child and defined myself by my own academic achievements (quite independent from my parents) and it felt like I woke up one day and looked back and realised that time had passed and all these changes somehow happened without me noticing and out of my control. It seems so silly and far away now but my proudest moment was passing the entrance exam into my dream school at age 11. It messes me up every. Single. Day that I can’t focus and can’t pick up a book to read casually, that doing university readings was an absolute nightmare because I didn’t understand ANYTHING when it came so easily to me as a child, despite telling myself I should stop comparing myself.
My fascination with death at 13 turned into a vast, desolate hopelessness and emptiness. Everything felt so muffled and muted. I couldn’t connect with my own emotions and couldn’t register whether I was happy or sad or anything in between. I remember at the time, I described it as an empty, snowy landscape with a thick wool blanket draped over the top. By this time, I was 16, had absolutely no idea what I was doing, understanding nothing and oversleeping A LOT. I went to an academically elite school and bounced up and down the rankings. In one term I’d be in the top 20 students across both maths and humanities, the next I’d be in the bottom 20. In class I’d eloquently discuss the topics, when handed an assignment I could make neither head nor tails of the assignment question.
I remember the first time I broke down in front of my mum and pleaded that I wanted to die. I wasn’t suicidal, I just had no desire to exist any longer. There was no joy, no feelings, absolutely nothing. I lost any sense of time or organisation that I had. I went from disciplined and motivated to asleep and lethargic when I was awake.
Was I depressed? Yep. Did I admit I was depressed? No. I went straight to uni after graduating from high school. I didn’t even make it to census date before deferring. I felt so alone and silenced and unheard. I screamed and pulled heavy furniture on myself, not in an attempt to hurt myself or anyone else but because I was so scared that no one understood what I was saying or doing or feeling.
I made one cursory attempt to see a therapist. After 3 sessions they expressed their frustration with how I wasn’t trying hard enough. We never made a follow up appointment.
Because I wasn’t studying, I started working in the gap year. Then my year was up, and I was back at uni and still working. My focus and ability to digest information was still severely compromised but still I did not seek help until I noticed tremors in my hands. That was kind of scary, so I started seeking mental health support, first from uni, then from outside therapists.
I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I don’t feel I benefited much from going to therapy, and a lot of therapists focus on CBT and mindfulness tools, which don’t seem a good fit for me, but I showed up to every appointment. They trialed me on different medications. At one point even an anti-narcoleptic medication when they realised how lifeless and lethargic I was all the time. At some points I was on the highest dose of medications and then would feel too down to refill my prescriptions… I went from max dose to stopping meds cold turkey and… nothing happened. I lost what little hope I had of ever getting better. The medical centre had to cancel my appointment one time and I didn’t rebook for almost a year, until they sent me a discharge follow up survey and I pushed myself to try again.
I made it halfway through my degree before I reached a point where I simply could not take it anymore and dropped out. It felt like I was being torn to shreds from the inside and I hated myself for not being able to even make it through to the end. I laughed at myself since I had really high aims for myself as a child, determined to get a degree from a top university, and learn everything there was to learn in the world, yet there I was unable to even complete my entire degree.
I started a new job, ended toxic friendships and life went on with no improvement.
At some point, due to my therapist being sick one week, the centre had to cancel my appointment and I just never rebooked again.
I made a point to “live harder” to prove that I didn’t need therapy. I went on my first solo trip (only interstate, nothing dramatic, and I was about 20), took my mum overseas for a trip, moved departments at work. My eating and sleeping habits stabilised out of sheer necessity and I was a healthy weight and reasonable sleeping patterns given my circumstances.
My new department was really, really racist, transphobic, xenophobic, homophobic, bigoted, you name it. They really loved me and never directed their nastiness towards me but as I grew older, my politics has become a lot more left-leaning and it was getting pretty unbearable hearing my colleagues espouse the virtues of a politician whose claim to infamy was utter disgust of boat people. My dad was “boat people”. My family weren’t wealthy, we were surviving. All my clothes and belongings even now are from second hand stores. It wasn’t even about me. Their constant, daily discussions in the staff room of how dreadful so and so minority were just got to me for being so blatantly prejudiced and wrong. Every time I gently questioned them, I’d be dismissed for being young and foolish. I moved departments again last year after spending a year there.
In the meantime, another problem began to present itself. This may be extremely political, and just due to varied experiences, I know the issue is hugely divisive in the Vietnamese community. Our parents fled a war, and that’s the hardest thing anyone would have to do. There is no replacing the anguish and trauma of living in a war, escaping from a war and setting up a life for yourself away from all that you care about. And actually, my parents immigrated to a country other than the United States, so we’re not even connected in a physical sense to the majority of both sides of the family who are either residing in Vietnam or the States. Full disclosure: I don’t support the brand of communism we have in the homeland, and I’m not here to discuss that or to tell you to feel the same way. Further disclosure: I also do not support the Trump administration. To me, in my personal opinion, both options represent a history of bloody colonisation and have dramatically changed the experience of being Vietnamese in both mainland and diaspora communities. Vietnamese politics has been heavily influenced by a thousand year history of attempted Chinese colonisation and I’m not about to claim western saviour from wealthy western countries looking to capitalise on less powerful countries either. Everyone I’ve met in the community is strongly in one camp or another, and unfortunately, my family have fallen into the spiral of unhealthy conspiracies in a camp I have strong moral and ethical objections to, denying facts and performing quite impressive mental gymnastics to justify the harmful trail of destruction such politics leave. My own parents have accused me of being “brainwashed” by the disgusting other side of politics, which hurts me deeply considering I have an equal amount of anger towards the “other side”. Perhaps I am not objective enough. Perhaps I am not educated enough. Perhaps I can’t begin to fathom the trauma of being alive in a war. I am not a victim here, but it is heartbreaking to see people I cared about so radicalised and unable to accept reality. The gaslighting has gotten worse and honestly, I’m at a loss. Most of all, throughout all my mental health struggles, I just feel deeply alone, having no one who is even remotely like me to not even share stories, just be comforted in the knowledge that I’m not alone and I’m not out of place. I understand if my story can’t be posted or needs to be heavily edited due to sensitive topics, thanks for letting me get some of this word vomit off my chest! I’m not explaining myself very well either so there’s a lot up for misinterpretation, but I hope someone, somewhere will understand my despair.
My dream isn’t to be happy. My dream is to find a passion for living, and having my internal compass reset, so regardless of results, I can at least be confident and sure that I am making decisive decisions, whether correct or incorrect, to be sure the decisions are mine.
Growing up, mental health has been something I struggled with at a young age. I remembered the times where I would feel trapped, isolated and feeling as if I didn’t matter. The memories are sometimes flashbacks where it flushes the pain back into the parts where it hurts me the most emotionally. I developed a lot of anxiety and depression, which I still continue to battle all the time. My parents became the reason why I always shut myself out, distancing myself from a young age as I faced a lot of traumatic experiences that have affected me throughout my life and still continue to do so. I don’t think anyone is alone in any of it, people may share similar experiences as I do. I used to be so negative, depressed and at my worst, but over the years I’ve learned to care less, wanting to do whats best for me and being positive throughout my life. I had to heal, to learn and grow on my own. I think finding and connecting with others to share similar experiences allow me to feel understood and I feel this group helps me feel less alone in all my situations.
I was born in a poor, predominantly black neighborhood. My family stayed mostly to itself. I remember experiencing racism at an early age but not really understanding it. Mostly vandalism and theft. Both of my parents were wealthy in Vietnam, but the Communists took everything from them. My mom lived in a 2br trailer home with six other people. My dad worked hard, at one point he worked seven days a week, double shifts as an engineer for a year and a half. The only time I would see him would be when my mom would take me up to the plant to have lunch with him. My mom was in nursing school and often would have to take me to class with her. I would usually just play by myself in the lobby. I learned to amuse myself.
When I was five, my parents had officially entered the middle class. We moved into a pretty nice home in a small redneck town. Looking back on it, I remember being occasionally treated differently, but not understanding it. I was a person, like you, like them, why did some kids say mean things to me? It wasn’t egregious, but I did get punched in the face once. It was broken up quick. Not everyone was mean though, my saint of a third grade teacher told me she specifically picked me to be in her class and asked if I knew why? I didn’t. Was it because I was smart? My fourth grade teacher, however was the complete opposite. She would mark things wrong that I knew were right. I was always in time out. I once got sent into the hallway for detention because I laughed during a pizza party. Everyone else was laughing, it didn’t make any sense. I used to have to bus to another school a few times a week for this gifted and talented program. One day I was marked absent because I was late and went straight onto the second bus. My mom called the school worried sick, thinking I was kidnapped. That same miserable teacher told my mom she had no idea where I was. I saw her. I saw her see me. We made eye contact and I waved. She didn’t wave back, just grimaced.
Middle school. Middle school was when I became acutely aware of my race. I get it now. I’m the one of three Asians in the entire school. That’s when they learned to formulate their hatred into words, into slurs. Not everyone mind you, but enough. It wasn’t the only reason why I didn’t fit in. My parents wanted me to respect the power of money, because they had seen what happens when it’s all taken away from you. They purposefully didn’t let me have name brand clothes. My clothes didn’t fit me right. They were too short, too long, out of style, just… wrong. My skin already made me stand out, why did they have to make it worse? It was because they hated me, wasn’t it? Why won’t you just let me fit in?
In high school I started to internalize their hate, their racism. I started to believe the words they said to me. I was a late bloomer, I was always close to the smallest and shortest kid in the class. I definitely wasn’t athletic. I blamed it all on my race. I wanted to be one of them. I wanted to be tall, stronger, faster, but most importantly, I just wanted to belong. When I finally hit puberty, I started to learn how to fight. I’m 5’9 (and a half!) so maybe not tall, but no longer a runt. I got into a little bit of trouble. As I started to claim my independence, my parents fought to tighten the reigns. Typical generational problems. They moved me to Houston my senior year to a rich all white high school. I got in six fights in the first three weeks. I moved out of my home before the end of my senior year.
Houston had a pretty large Asian population though. I really started to connect with Asians in my late teens / early 20’s. I had finally found my people and they accepted me. The end. I wish. White people would often comment on my race, while Asians would constantly let me know I was too white. I dressed different, I talked different, I dated different, I made plenty of friends, but I was always made aware that no matter what, I wasn’t the same. It would frustrate me and I always found myself constantly shifting my personality. I became adapt at code switching.
There isn’t really a defining moment that helped me finally accept myself. It was a culmination of a thousand minor interactions that slowly let me realize that I was just me. I am proudly Asian. I am the product of proud immigrant parents that could not understand me. I am the son of two parents who toiled and gave their all and loved me through discipline and in the same language they were taught. I never agreed, but as I grew older I came to understand. I wish there was some fairy tale meaning to this story, but every one of us will build our own identity. Mine became strongest when I stopped trying to mold myself into other people’s constructs of what my identity should be. When I look back on my life, I was a distinctly different person during each stage of development. It’s so hard to imagine who you will be when you’re trapped in the moment, but every experience, good or bad, has shaped me into the person I am today. I am unapologetically me. And I hope that one day you can be too.
By: Jenny Park
I believe that when you are going through depressive episodes, it’s important to look at your situation objectively. But, that’s also the hardest part. Falling into a negative spiral is unfortunately too easy. Everyone has different mental capacities when coping with bad moods, and there is no right or wrong way to handle a difficult situation. In this somewhat personal blog, I will be sharing one of the ways that I found to be most helpful: asking myself questions. Not just any potentially destructive questions, but healthy questions. I often joke with my friends that I have befriended a self-created alter ego named Yeti, who is the one that stays grounded when my real ego acts up. Funnily enough, that silly habit comes in handy.
*I am not a professional and this is based on my personal experience, so please read it with a liberated heart*
The Questions I’ve Learned to Ask Myself
1) “What happened in my environment that affected my mood?”
When I’m feeling down, I become hypersensitive to everything. I get irritated by the tiniest inconvenience and tend to take unintentional offense at people’s actions. My mood used to change drastically by the second and for the longest time, I didn’t know why, which was unsettling. Then, I arrived at the thought that maybe an environmental/external influence triggered something inside me that changed my mood. If I was getting coffee and the barista came off a little rude because she was busy, that somehow ruined my mood. Quite irrational and ridiculous, I know. But, I learned to recognize the alleged cause and effect in these situations. This helped me take a step back and process my surroundings rather than keeping myself in that moody loophole. Identifying specific external mood triggers and being conscious of my internal mood change have helped me keep my emotions organized.
2) “What does this mood mean to me?”
This could also be rephrased as “What is this particular mood telling me about myself?” This is a tough one. Let’s take the barista example I previously mentioned. Although the barista did nothing wrong, in my mind, my “damaged” mood was her fault. This tells me that I am emotionally dependent on how others treat me, to a certain extent, and that dependability could intensify when I’m not feeling that great about myself. Just like that, I learned a new fact about myself. I didn’t quite like this new fact when I realized it, however, this realization also opened the door to accepting it. Once I’m comfortable with this new fact, I could then challenge it.
3) “What can I do from now on?”
I’ve often found myself digging my own grave because I focused on how my past actions didn’t lead to a satisfactory reality – why didn’t I do this yesterday? Why did I waste time when I could’ve done something better? Etc. Well, the past is the past, and there’s always should’ve, could’ve, would’ve’s. Start thinking of what you think you should be doing from now on and go for it. During this process, you slowly start to learn what methods work for you and what doesn’t, so you’ll have a more reasonable expectation for yourself throughout the future.
4) “What meaning can I introduce into my life?”
Living in today’s society, it’s easy to feel empty. One common thought that recurs in my mind when I’m not feeling my best is “What is the meaning of my life?” It doesn’t encourage me to find an answer to the question, rather I immediately feel awful. It quickly shifts to the self-hate track and I always find myself questioning my worth – something that no one should question. Life is what you make of it; you are the pilot of this journey. Instead, we can tweak that and ask “What meaning can I introduce into my life?” Asking this question helps you identify the values, beliefs and behaviors that you want to keep pursuing in the long run. What I really like about this question is that there could be so many answers. It’s non-binary and fluid. And the best part about it is that you get to create it on your own and claim it.
5) “Is this self-pity or victimization?”
I often drown myself in thinking that I am deprived of empathic affection. Wanting attention, I sometimes play Cinderella and make everybody else in my life the mean step-mom and sisters. Whether it’s emotional oversharing in 9 out of 10 conversations I have in a week, or finding solutions to my current problems from my past trauma, I found myself blaming my low self-esteem on my less than ideal childhood to validate my skewed rationale. Then, I would think “only if my dad hadn’t abandoned me” or “if only my mom had validated my feelings growing up, I wouldn’t have hated myself so much.” Maybe that’s true, but even if it is, what can I do about it? I can’t travel back in time and change my life events. Our past shapes who we are, but it doesn’t have to define us. Trust me, I’ve had my fair share of self-pity moments, but it became a habit and I got tired of voluntarily playing the victim when I didn’t have to. Put yourself in different roles – sometimes be the bad guy, sometimes be an outsider, sometimes be a cameo, sometimes be a protagonist. It broadens your perspective on how you look at your life.
6) “What should I try that I haven’t tried?”
I do a lot of research to find subtle non-clinical ways that could help me (you don’t have to do exactly what Buzzfeed or Refinery29 tells you). Staying close to nature, for example. I try to go for a walk near my neighborhood where there’s water and trees. I try to stay close to friends who understand my feelings. I force myself to share my immature emotions when I just want to bottle up. I try to keep an active voice and say things when I want to say it and drop the passivity. There are subtle things you can do that, depending on how you look at them, could be immensely helpful.
7) “If I saw someone feeling the way I am feeling right now, what would I tell that person?”
I think as Asians we are naturally quite empathetic and altruistic. We tend to think of others before ourselves and while that’s a wonderful quality more people should appreciate, it’s easy to leave yourself out of that same care. Think of whatever comment or advice you would want to give and say that exact same thing to yourself. Plug your name in it too (wow, cringe). Tell yourself that because you need that for yourself. It feels cringey at first, but self-empowerment is a great virtue.
Overall, the message I’m trying to communicate in this blog is “know yourself.” Learn how you respond in certain situations and keep yourself cognitively checked in to how you are processing your thoughts/emotions. It’s complicated and honestly a life-long homework that never gets easier. But, it makes you grow. It prevents your mental illness from overpowering you.
If you are going through a rough patch and you’ve gotten yourself out of a negative thought, you should be genuinely proud of yourself. If you couldn’t, that’s still very okay. The attempt is a continuous effort. No need to feel like your mental illness is slowing you down. If any of you are Marvel fans, remember that even the Avengers fought 14,000,605 battles and won only 1, but that one victory became more meaningful because they made it that way. Perspective isn’t everything, but definitely something we shouldn’t ignore. Be your own advocate. Be a kind friend to yourself. Be selfish sometimes.
About the Author
Jenny Park
Jenny is originally from Korea, raised partially as a military “BRAT” (Born Raised And Trained). She is currently based in Huntsville, Alabama working as a Camp Counselor at a local space educational center. Jenny is passionate about bringing mental health issues to the table and supporting communities of color.
By: Camille Ko
Perfectionism can be a blessing and a curse. At its best, it inspires amazing work that fills people with accomplishment and fulfillment. At its worst, it can send people into anxious spirals where nothing gets done despite piling deadlines.
I’ve come a long way in my own personal journey with anxiety and perfectionism. I used to have a crippling need to always perform my best. Starting projects felt so intimidating that they felt impossible to complete. Oftentimes, I would get so hung up on the expectations I set for myself that I sunk into an avoidance spirals. I’m still very far from where I would like to be – in fact, my perfectionistic tendencies caused this exact blog post to be finished waaay later than it was supposed to. But, over time, I’ve learned that, despite what perfectionism would have me believe, there’s no singular perfect way towards progress.
While there’s no one, full-proof method to kicking perfectionistic tendencies, combating them requires a combination of intense introspection and lifestyle habits. The former can be an abstract process that’s unique to every person; the latter, however, is something that is more tangible. In no particular order, here is a list of the behaviors that I’ve used to help curb my perfectionism.
How I Overcome Perfectionism
1) Don’t restrict yourself to one record-keeping method
Tell me if this sounds familiar. You buy a brand new, Moleskine journal that you promise to fill with gorgeously detailed monthly and weekly calendar spreads. After a couple weeks of doing this, you accidentally leave your journal at home, and it never sees the light of day again. Or, you download a new task-managing app on your phone and spend hours figuring out your optimal layout and organizing color scheme. Then, after all this planning, you stop using the app and never use it again.
Perfectionism tries to trap you with the idea that there is a “superior” method of doing things. All you have to do is find out what it is, and then everything will magically fall into place. However, the reality is, there is no one “right” way, and our preferences are subject to frequent change. Try not to restrict yourself to one method of keeping track of things.
Aesthetically, I’m a fickle person who always has wandering eyes for the newest, trendiest organizational method. So I just go with the flow. Some weeks I like to write things down in a journal, and other times I mix it up with different apps. Many times, I get lazy and fall back on using good old Sticky Notes. However, try not to go too crazy – stick with one task-managing method per week so that you don’t lose track of where you wrote things down.
2) Making lists (and not exhausting yourself while making them!)
Making lists is fun. Making lists is simple. And most importantly, making lists makes you feel productive.
But, if you’re like me, making lists can be a disguise for perfectionistic procrastination. Struck with sudden productivity, you sit down and start listing out all the work, school, or personal projects you have to complete. You want to make this list juuust right, so after outlining your initial tasks, you decide you want to make it prettier and more streamlined. Before you know it, you’ve over-indulged your ambitiousness and migrated from a simple written list to a full on Excel sheet, intricate Trello board, or color-coded journal entry. Suddenly, you’ve spent so much time making your list that you don’t have enough time or energy for the tasks on said list.
This is the same trap of perfectionism from the first step. It’s tempting to try to make a beautifully organized list under the illusion that it will somehow make you more productive. While there’s nothing wrong with investing time into making pretty or streamlined lists, you need to be realistic with how much time you invest in those tasks. If spending this much time is important to you, then budget your time accordingly. For most perfectionists, however, this listing habit is more of a method of delaying working on the more overwhelming task of the actual work. Don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees – the important thing is to keep track of your schedule and your tasks, not get lost on how to do those things.
3) Having a short set of easy tasks that help you feel accomplished
One of the most debilitating parts of perfectionism is how it conflates your issues surrounding a single project with your overall ability to do things. For example, because you’re struggling to finish an English paper, you feel as if you’re inept at completing any assignment.
What’s helped me tackle this part of perfectionism is having a small set of 2 to 3 easy, one-step tasks that I complete every day. Tasks like this should be simple, like making your bed, cleaning off your desk, your filling up your water bottle twice a day. Even though they may seem small, these tasks can serve as a reminder of your daily progress and a gentle counterargument against the negativity of perfectionism.
4) Breaking down large tasks into smaller, shorter chunks
So this one is a mainstay in most productivity blogs. In fact, it was such a common piece of advice that I used to brush it off as “too simple” of a solution. However, this really did prove to be a game changer for me. By breaking down a bigger project into smaller tasks, work becomes more manageable and less intimidating. Perfectionism is obsessed with the “perfectness” of the final product. So, if you organize large objectives into smaller steps, that overwhelming, detail-obsessed aspect of the anxiety monster won’t flare up as much.
Personally, I have two different methods of breaking down big tasks: weekly and longer-than-weekly. For the former, on every Sunday, I set aside some time to write down all the projects I need to complete by the end of the week. After writing all of them out, I break them down into smaller steps and portion those steps out across different days over the week. For big, month-long projects, I sit down and outline what the expectations for the final product before breaking down the project into smaller chunks.
5) Limit how many tasks you put on your daily to-do list
The ambitiousness that comes with perfectionism can make people overestimate their ability to finish things by a certain deadline. I know I’ve been guilty of creating lists with 20 plus tasks that I somehow expect myself to complete without factoring sleep or meal times.
Try to set a hard limit on the amount of tasks you can put on your to-do list. This will force you to more effectively spread out the smaller sub-tasks from Step 3 across several days. For myself, I try to limit my to-do list to 5 to 10 things per day. I include meetings and appointments in this list, considering that those can be big time investments. If I have a hard time deciding which tasks I should do today and which ones I should reschedule for later in the week, I list them all out on a separate page and then figure out which ones have higher priority.
Also, if you can’t complete all of the items on your to-do list or fall slightly behind on a project – that’s totally okay! Life is unpredictable, and things happen that throw off our schedules. If you find yourself consistently not finishing things, especially if you keep pushing off the same task, sit down and try to figure out why. Did you lowball the amount of time it would take you to complete? Are you confused about how to complete this part of the project and need to ask for help? Is this task complicated and you need to break it down into smaller chunks?
6) Take breaks!
Nagging you to get things right, perfectionism can get you caught up in long hours of uninterrupted work. However, work fatigue ultimately ups your stress and decreases your quality of focus over time. Breaks are incredibly important, and studies (here, here and here) have shown that taking more frequent breaks actually increases productivity over time.
The frequency with which you take breaks is a matter of personal preference. Many people like to use the Pomodoro method, which breaks down work cycles into four cycles of 25 minutes. After each 25-minute work cycle, you can take a 3 to 5 minute break. After you’ve finished your fourth work cycle, you can take a 15 to 30 minute break. Personally, I like to work in 30 minute to 1 hour chunks and take 15 to 20 minute breaks in between. Regardless of how you decide to space out your breaks, try to avoid doing multi-hour marathons of straight studying or work.
However, not all breaks are created equal. Try to avoid taking breaks that involve you staring at your phone or computer screen, since these kinds of breaks cause eye-strain and fatigue. While binging YouTube and scrolling through Reddit might feel relaxing, these won’t refresh your brain in the same way as time away from electronics will. Try to introduce some kind of movement to these breaks to get the blood flowing.
One of my old therapists gave me a gem of advice: write down a set list of breaks that get you away from your computer that are based on different chunks of time. For example:
15 minute breaks:
Get and drink a glass of water
Make yourself some tea
Meditate
30 minute breaks:
Go for a short walk around the neighborhood
Do some light stretching
Grab a quick snack
These breaks can cover any time period you want, depending on your personal preference. But try to separate them into two sets at a minimum, with one for shorter and one for longer breaks.
7) Just START!
I know, I KNOW. Gee thanks, Camille, why didn’t I think of that? *Insert Condescending Willy Wonka meme here*
As trite and cliche as this advice sounds, it’s also ultimately the biggest step in tackling the hangups around perfectionism. Perfectionism is your mind trying to trick you into not bothering. So ultimately, the only way to move past that trap is to start working.
However, I’ve found that just forcing myself to start projects doesn’t work by itself. To me, that feels like the equivalent of telling someone to “get over” their anxiousness. I need to prime my thoughts with a few key positive reminders before I can begin. In fact, I used the affirmations below to help me write this very blog post!
Value effort, not results
The illusion of perfectionism is that it that you should value the final product over everything else. Thus, if the blood, sweat, and tears that you pour into something yields a poor result, then all that time was wasted. However, if you value the time that you put into a project as a learning experience, then regardless of the result, your time was well-spent.
The skill you’re working on improving is “finishing”
“Finishing” tasks and projects is a skill that takes practice to get good at. Things that we don’t finish are often left unresolved in our minds, making it harder for us to move on and learn from them. For example, if you’re learning how to play tennis and stop your racket mid-swing, you don’t really learn how to swing your racket. Similarly, instead of focusing on doing a perfect job at a particular task, try to perfect the skill of “finishing” that task in the first place.
Give yourself permission to suck
Failure and mistakes teach us important lessons. The idea of your personal “perfect” standard is always changing, and your current level of “perfect” is not going to even be close to as good as you’ll be with more practice. Even if you don’t finish things perfectly, your ability to do those things will get better. There’s always room for improvement, but finishing something is still worth it.
I hope these tips help you in your journey to wrangle your perfectionism into a tool that helps rather than hurts you. It will take a lot of experimentation and trial-and-error, but by taking things one step at a time, you’ll get there.
About the Author
Camille Ko
Camille is a 24-year-old who’s still figuring out life, but having a pretty good time trying on a bunch of different hats in the meantime. A Korean-American with a weak spice tolerance and an even weaker will power with sweets, she’s excited to join the AMHC team and all it’s memey professional glory! Through her blogs, Camille hopes to share the helpful tips she’s picked up in her own mental health journey and to encourage more compassionate, open-minded dialogue about mental health.
By: Em Wong
No, it’s not a typo.
So, recently I’ve been reading heaps of personal finance blogs. I’ve started my first grown-up job and am looking into investing for my future. (I aim to live off my investment profits by 40. FIRE, anyone?) All this has got me thinking about how the concepts of investing and growing financial wealth can transfer to… mental health. Let’s talk about investing in your mental health so it pays dividends in the future!
Turning Mental Health into Mental Wealth
1. Know your values when you set up your budget (your mental budget, that is)
Follow along with me on this metaphor. You have mental currency that you earn and spend. To be mentally wealthy, you’ve got to budget and invest well. So what are your needs? What’s important to you? What makes you feel fulfilled and happy? That’s where you should spend your mental currency – aka your attention, time and energy. Work out what aspects of your life uphold your values, and what don’t. Are you spending too much on energy drains and unnecessary purchases? Alter your budget as required. Know where your mental currency is going. Be more intentional in your budget. Focus on quality, versatility and joy. Marie Kondo your budget, Marie Kondo your life.
2. Beware the comparison trap – where are your spending impulses coming from?
We all know the dangers of Instagram – from enticing you to buy future clutter… to bombarding you with pretty people and FOMO. For those aspirational impulse spenders out there – you can change how you use social media. Unfollow, unlike, mute, delete. It’s a little harder in real life, but we can be aware of people and situations that mentally drain us. If you find yourself trying reaching for an impossible standard – stop and ask why. Who is pressuring you to be someone you’re not? Make some healthy swaps. A little self-awareness and introspection can curb a lot of unhelpful impulses.
3. Get rid of temptation!
You know those spam emails from your favourite store? They pop up in your inbox, promising a whopping 20% off summer shorts? So hard not to click… (Or any time there’s chocolate in the house – good luck, Emily’s self-control.) It’s much harder to exercise self-control when temptation is right in front of you. Do you always end up in the same unhealthy situation (e.g. sick with a stomach full of chocolate and a new pair of shorts)? Notice your triggers. If you can avoid it from the start, it saves a lot of mental stress later on.
4. Never go to the supermarket hungry
On the topic of chocolate-gorging triggers – I’ve learnt to never go to the supermarket hungry. I always reach for the unhealthy snacks. (Read: chocolate). In that same vein, do something that fills up your mental energy bucket before events that you know will tax you.
5. Cut and combine debts
The first debts to tackle are the small ones you can pay off fast. They’ll give you the momentum to move forward. Next are the ones with the highest interest, which allow you to minimise wasted dollars. If you’re able to combine your loans, it helps you feel more in control. If you want to stop spending money you don’t have, you could cut up your credit cards and use cash instead. (Sorry for the actual financial advice – but it’s the same with mental debts). Is there a bunch of stuff you’re avoiding? Is it taking a toll on your mental health, causing knock-on effects in the rest of your life? Are you spending mental currency you don’t have, and then not paying yourself back? I know it’s hard and uncomfortable, but the sooner you work on paying off debts, the sooner you can gain control.
6. Do your research before you invest – but definitely invest
Look, I’m forever salty that I didn’t invest in Bitcoin when I first heard of it in 2012. But that doesn’t matter now. Cryptocurrency seems a little too risky and shady for my taste anyway. I did some research and invested in sustainable ETFs. They select stocks that pass a certain ethical standard. In real life, you have a choice of who and what to invest your mental currency in. You’ve got to know who to trust (there are some dodgy advisors out there). You also have to select ones you like and gel with. That takes time and effort. Yes, there’s always risk involved. There will always be a market crash. But you can’t grow your wealth unless you somehow invest. In other words, you gotta be in it to win it. Invest in life.
7. Diversify your assets and spread your risk
On that note, it’s always a good idea to diversify your assets so that if one thing crashes you don’t lose it all. Don’t invest all your money in one chocolate company (delicious, but bad for you). You could invest in many chocolate companies. Or, the marketing company that makes the chocolate ads. Invest in the Chocolate Appreciation Society (dunno why it’s listed on the stock market). Then invest in bread and also dogs. It’s the same with your support system. You need more than one confidante. You might have a support group, a community, a best friend, a therapist, a GP, a psychiatrist, a pet. Then there are books, apps, music and hobbies. A daily routine, a self-care ritual, walks in nature, memes, and so on and so forth.
8. Be grateful for the simple things in life (it’s what makes you happy)
You don’t need to save up for that expensive car, holiday or chocolate factory to finally be happy. Collect little rituals and do free things that give you joy, and you can have that feeling many times a day. It’s the same feeling, honest. I find joy in drinking a cup of tea, sharing smiles with babies, and making endless music playlists. Oh, and also chocolate! All without the expense of an expensive plane ticket from Australia to anywhere.
9. Have some savings goals and a future vision
So what are you actually saving for? All that money has to be for something. My financial goal is to have financial freedom and live off my investments. Then I can spend time working on my passion: being a world-famous chocolatier. Now what about mental wealth goals? When I was young, I suffered from debilitating social phobia. But I worked hard on my social confidence. I wanted to achieve my personal and career goals without my fears inhibiting me. I wanted to help others in the way that I needed, but never had. (That’s a story for another post). But here I am, I’ve gotten way further than I ever thought I’d get, and I’m using this platform to make a difference.
10. Don’t be an amateur day trader; don’t get swayed by market panic
Obsessing over tiny changes in market volatility is exhausting and time-consuming. Plus, over a few decades you don’t win out over the people who invest and forget and let compound interest do its thing. This is all to say, don’t sweat the small stuff. There are always going to be tiny bumps in your day, but it’s how you respond to them that count. Even if there are big bumps – the trajectory of the stock market has always gone up over the long term. You’ll recoup that loss. Hold onto your blue chip stocks. The economy is cyclical and you’ll live through a few recessions. If you’ve got a life philosophy and a long-term plan, then don’t panic – you’ll win out in the end.
11. Get a side hustle
Diversify your income streams. Write that ebook, drive for uber or deliver pizza. Extra points if your side hustle hits one of your secret passions – if you’re lucky it can become your day job. Diversifying your mental income? Find a volunteer position, a creative hobby, or whatever else your soul loves.
12. Know what to splurge and save on
Splurge: mattresses. Save: random micro trends. Invest your mental currency in things that add the most value to your life. Things like healthy relationships, fulfilling activities, good quality sleep. Save on things like those “friends” who are fun to hang out with but would never be there for you when you need them. They’re not important.
13. Use a reusable water bottle (and reduce cognitive dissonance)
A reusable bottle is better for the environment and my wallet but also my brain. Any time I buy anything with single-use plastic (usually out of convenience), I get eco-guilt. I value caring for the environment but my priorities aren’t aligning. Cognitive dissonance is mentally taxing. Take a look at your values, and your habits. See where there are discrepancies. Make some changes. You can save yourself a heck of a lot of subconscious mental distress. (To the boba drinkers out there for whom this is a thing too – you can buy reusable boba cups too!)
14. Pay yourself and treat yo’ self
You’re the CEO of your life, so make sure you pay yourself. Treat yourself with kindness and love. No real money necessary.
15. Start making regular investments for your future
It’s never too late or early to start investing in your future – whether it’s financial or personal. Some people are waiting for the next stock market crash to dump a massive lump sum in there. But we have no idea when this crash will happen. It could be next month or in 2 years time, and in the meantime you’re missing out on potential gains. The best method is to make regular payments so that you can benefit long term, and put some extra in when it’s down. It’s the same with getting support. Don’t wait until you’ve hit a crisis, or after exam season when you have “more time” (but less stress), because then it’s too late. The best way to handle a crisis is to prevent it. Keep checking in – whether that’s with your therapist, doctor, or a trusted mentor.
16. Find some ingenious saving hacks
Some people save all their $5 notes. Some round up all their bank transactions and invest the difference. You can apply this in life – for example – set up an app to save happy photos or a box for cute notes from friends. Make a reminder to write down one thing you’re grateful for every night. When you need a little pick-me-up, you can go into your stash and remind yourself of the good times. I started an annual survey for myself in 2010. Every October I answer my questions about my life and goals at that point. It’s an amazing way to see how I’ve grown over the past ten years.
17. Change banks for the best rates, set and forget
This year, I realised I was getting pitiful interest on my bank account. There are heaps of snazzy new zero-fee-high-interest online banks out there. So I made the switch. It’s like receiving free money. Then I set up automated transfers to make life easier. Who knew banking could be so fun!? Sometimes there’s a possible big transition that would make life so much easier. The hard part is sitting down and getting it done. Do it. You’ll thank yourself later.
18. Learn how to meal prep some delicious and nutritious lunches for work
This is the ultimate in self-care and financial savvy. It feels so good to eat something healthy, hearty and cheap that I’ve made. I don’t do this enough but I’m going to make it a priority this year.
19. Don’t beat yourself up about buyers’ remorse
Sometimes you buy a thing, and then you question your life choices. It’s easy to beat yourself up about things you’ve done. Of course, it made sense at the time, or else you wouldn’t have done it. We all make mistakes. The only thing you can do now is to learn from it. In the future you won’t buy the metre long soft toy shark from Ikea despite being a grown adult with no children. (JK, no regrets.)
20. Life changes are hard, so get a buddy
My best friend is a straight-talking sort of person who has been my rock for 16 years. She knows me better than anyone (and knows how fickle I am in doing what I say I will). She’s seen me grow from that quiet girl to the crazy people-loving extroverted introvert I am today. (Change is hard for her. She’s working on adjusting.) My friends from home remind me of who I am at my core and how far I’ve come. My new friends give me the opportunity to explore new possibilities. No matter who it is, we usually spend too much money on good food (it’s worth it) or eating too much chocolate (also worth), and then I convince everyone to do karaoke (hey, let’s do karaoke!). Even if we have no money left, good friends are the best sorts of wealth.
Disclaimer: I’m not a financial advisor, so take my unqualified financial advice with a grain of salt! Say you’re not on a liveable income or are in a financial crisis. This article may not be immediately applicable to you. The same goes for mental health crises. That’s ok! Take care of the emergencies first.
About the Author
Emily Wong
Em is a 26-year-old Aussie doctor and future psychiatrist. Her passion is integrating the arts into mental health advocacy, education and practice. Em is an adventurous introvert, art gallery enthusiast and karaoke fiend. Most importantly, she LOVES DOGS.
By: Michelle Yang Below is a guest post that originally appeared on Michelle’s blog:
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years living with bipolar disorder, it’s that everyone’s different in how we struggle and cope. Every person responds to medications differently and can have greatly varied symptoms. As a peer living with bipolar disorder, here are some things that have helped me find everyday wellness:
Seek treatment. See medical providers. Is it a psychiatrist for medication, therapist, or just a primary healthcare doctor? Often a team is needed, but however you feel supported, it is so important to seek ongoing care. I’ve learned this the hard way. If I neglect making appointments when I’m well and busy, it is so hard to get in to see providers when I do need help. Finding good providers who will advocate for you is much more challenging than one would expect, but also absolutely vital.
Always take medication. Always. Traveling to different time zones or camping? I set an alarm on my phone for when to take my meds. I also avoid all other drugs, including caffeine, alcohol and anything recreational. These can prevent medications from working appropriately or interfere with sleep cycle.
Get enough sleep. To me, getting enough sleep is just as important as seeking treatment and taking meds. If I don’t get enough sleep for several consecutive days, it the first sign that something’s wrong. When traveling across time zones, I give myself extra time to adjust.
Nurture a support network. Invest in friendships and relationships. Often I will not feel like leaving the house, but in general, if I’m well enough, I make a point to show up for others when it counts. I would like people to show up for me, so it’s only fair.
Attend support groups. NAMI and other support groups can be very helpful and are free of cost. It’s invaluable to have a safe space where everyone knows exactly what I’m going through to prevent feeling alone in a society with so much stigma. There are some online support group options as well. I don’t find these to be as effective as in person meetings, but they can still be a good resource.
Build a routine. I find having a routine tremendously helpful. This is one of the reasons I enjoy working, as it provides a built-in structure and a sense of productivity. I also appreciate the social interaction with other adults built it in a job.
Leave home at least once a day, even if it’s just to take a walk. Something about getting out, breathing the fresh air and being under the open sky helps me avoid depression.
Turn on the lights. It’s so simple, but I find warm-toned, bright lights to be instantly mood-lifting. I need my home and work space both to be bright.
Avoid triggers. Loud background noises like fans or sports games on TV can make me anxious. I only recently learned about the link between bipolar disorder and hypersensitivity I excuse myself when I need to or turn off these noises as soon as possible.
Find inspiration. I love to paint and draw. Having my work up around the house reminds me of more productive times if I’m feeling down on myself, my creations serve as silent pep-talks. Photos I love of family, friends and pets do the same thing in my living and work space.
Set boundaries. I have a breaking point, everyone does. It’s my job to know what that is and to set appropriate boundaries. Sometimes I need to remove stresses or even people from my life to protect myself. This can be very difficult. We are working against a lifetime of conditioning and a strong sense of obligation and responsibility, but self-care must come first.
Be kind to myself. I need reminders to be compassionate with myself and to stop the negative self talk. It’s so easy to fall down a spiral of believing everyone hates me, that I’m a failure and a fraud. I suffer from impostor syndrome. To combat this, I consciously think of examples of positive interactions with people to remind myself they don’t hate me. Similarly, I force myself to list out my achievements and productivity to not feel like a failure. It takes so much effort, but it is one of my most important coping skills.
Do you have any coping skills that I didn’t cover? Please share.
About the Author
Michelle Yang is on a personal mission to show the world one can live well with bipolar disorder. Tired of the stigma, she is empowered to humanize and normalize mental health illnesses as just another part of the human condition. She recently quit her coveted corporate job to write and advocate for mental health wellness. Michelle has a memoir-in-progress and her articles have been featured on InStyle, HuffPost, Mochi Magazine, and HelloGiggles. Learn more by following her on Facebook and Instagram or check out her blog at livingwellhappily.com.
