I have always been a happy go lucky type of guy. Everyone would describe me as enthusiastic, optimistic, and radiant, so I have always ignorantly thought it would be impossible for me to suddenly fall into the hands of mental illness. This all changed when I got into an accident that almost took my life.
After the accident, I would have constant panic attacks every day. These would go upward from seven to eight anxiety attacks a day. I would freeze up and time would stop. My mind would go down a rabbit hole on how I would die. My positive inner voice disappeared and I was left with his other friend. All my negative thoughts were amplified.
Indulging myself in self help content has always been a hobby of mine because I felt like there was something wrong with me. I have never focused on that negative voice, but it was still prevalent now and then. After the accident however, it was almost non-negotiable having my negative thoughts around. I felt like I lost myself. I knew the only way to find myself again is to double down on self development. I began to meditate and read self help books and binge watched motivational videos.
Eight months after the accident, all the self development started to kick in. I had a sudden realisation and the determination to take responsibility for everything that happened. I was tired of everything that was happening in my life. All the meditation allowed me to the deepest darkest parts of my memories and confronted them. This led me to uncover the trauma I have experienced in my childhood. This also led me to the beginning of my healing process.
The biggest thing that has helped me through this process has been documenting and filming my process. This allowed me to internalize my thoughts and watch my own thoughts like a movie. It allowed me to be present with myself. Instead of keeping all the negativity inside me, I gave myself a safe place to experience my darkest thoughts and feelings just so I can let them go. I continue to make videos and share my story because that is my way to heal, but ultimately, it is also to provide perspective and share how I developed my mindset to overcome something I once thought I wasn’t able to.
In this process, I learned three major things:
- I am not my thoughts, but I am a vessel of infinite thoughts. Infinite perspectives, thoughts, and feelings exist, but they are not alive. In order for these things to be alive, it needs an observer. I can’t control my thoughts, but I can control my focus. I have the power to give thoughts and feelings life.
- Everyone is living life with the best resources they have. I have resented my mom for 21 years for all the abuse. I finally found the courage to confront her, then take full responsibility for everything that happened even though it wasn’t my fault. “What was the reason I resented her?” I asked. I really just wanted her to notice me and acknowledge I have feelings and I am hurt.
- Lastly, I am responsible for everything in my life. My responsibility is my ability to respond. Things may not be my fault, but I get to choose how I respond to it. My mom owes me nothing. No one owes me anything, but I do owe it to myself to love myself and find my own self-worth.
In order to begin the healing process, it’s important to accept your feelings and thoughts, and allow yourself to experience what is meant to be felt. Sometimes, some things are just not meant to be understood. Allow yourself to feel. Only you can choose when you want to begin the journey of healing! Healing is just one way of doing it. Let’s choose to be the best you you want to live with! Thank you for reading.